Good Confidence In Your Practice
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Source: Original City Center tape. Verbatim transcript by Bill Redican (2/23/01). Miyagawa Keishi-san kindly provided assistance with the translation of Japanese terms.
File name: 71-08-05: good confidence in your practice (titled by pf) (Verbatim) low Changed "Tozan-dash" to "Tozan"; "your friend ion" to "your friend in" 3-11-2015 by D
If you want to practice in its true sense so that you may not regret what you have been doing, it is necessary for you to-- to have good confidence in your practice. This is very important, or else it is not possible for [you to] practice true way. There may be many great teachers in various countries, but even though there are great teachers, if your way-seeking mind is not strong enough you cannot study. Even though you meet him, you don't know who he is.
Tonight I want to introduce the story between Bodhidharma and Butei in China. Bodhidharma went to-- arrived at China [in] 520, according to traditional record, and he lived with the King of the Liang. And he-- the king, who was a great supporter of Buddhism, he built many temples, and he studied himself-- by himself-- you know, he studied Buddhism and a great teacher-- daishi.
He himself was already good scholar, and at the same time a great scholar-- supporter of the Buddhism. As soon as Bodhidharma arrived at China he visited the king. And this is a very famous story, as you may know.
The king asked him, “What is Buddhism? What is Buddhism?” Bodhidharma's answer was [6-8 words unclear] is like a clear sky. And “there is no sage”-- it means that also “no sage or no common people.” That was his answer. And so Butei asked him again: “You say there is no sage or no common people, then who is you-- who is sitting on front of you-- who is you?” he asked, you know, and his answer was, “I don't know.” [Laughs.] That was Bodhidharma's answer. This is very famous question and answer between Bodhidharma and the king.
Last night I told you something about usual understanding of our life and Buddhist understanding of life and Oriental, you know, way of thinking in comparison to your way of thinking. The difference-- Although the king knew Buddhism very well, but his understanding, his way of thinking, his way of supporting Buddhism was something like, you know, materialistic. He supported many, you know, priests, and he himself studied Buddhism and built a temple and set up-- helped setting up various ceremonies too. And in Japan and in China, still we are observing the ceremony he set up-- he, you know, helped setting up the way of observing ceremonies.
So apparently he is a great supporter of Buddhism, but the way he support is, you know, in one word, materialistic, which is, you know, based on accumulating the merit, accumulating, you know, visual materialistic practice and observation of ceremonies, and more intellectual understanding of Buddhism, or philosophical understanding of Buddhism. That was his way.
So, in short, many goes first, you know, accumulation of many goes first, while Bodhidharma's way is-- start from nothing, start from one, you know. “One is everything. Everything is one.” That is what we always say. Form is emptiness and emptiness is form. But for-- for us, emptiness comes first. Or one comes first, and many comes next. One and many.
The king's way was-- the king's way is, “Many comes first.” Many is more materialistic, more substantial. Many, you know. And accumulation of many will eventually become great-- that is more or less his way. And so-- to his, you know-- and knowing Bodhidharma's way-- (ah-- excuse me) [may have dropped mike]-- the king's way, Bodhidharma said “no merit” [laughs]. No sage or no common people because this-- because he must-- they must have talked more about it, according to the record. He told him-- told Bodhidharma about what he did and what will be the merit of building temples or helping students or teachers-- what will be the merit? Bodhidharma says no merit [laughs]-- no merit comes first, while king's way is many comes first. In short, emptiness comes first. One big great empty being comes first. It's opposite.
But if you understand-- if the king understand what Bodhidharma says, then his, you know, merit will make sense. But he couldn’t understand what he says. No merit or no sage or no common people. If the king understand, you know--
Why it is so important for us to understand what Bodhidharma said is a growing [?] of your practice is in the realm of duality or accumulation of many merit. Like “I have [2-4 words] for three years, four years, ten years,” you know. “How many years” comes first. It doesn't make sense. And you will be regret[ful] later. “I have been practicing zazen so may years,” [laughs] “but, you know, nothing happen.” That will be, you know, how you feel after accumulating your practice-- its merit of practice. And actually, it is just, you know, from great [?] Buddhist viewpoint, it is just, you know, a speck of dust. Even though you say, “[For my] whole life I have been practicing zazen.” But whole life just a speck of, you know, just one moment.
So when you are-- maybe when you become old or when you are dying, you know, you are one-- your one life [?]-- you are sixty or seventy or one hundred years of life is just one moment. So accumulation of many doesn’t make sense.
When everyday practice-- Only when everyday practice makes sense, you are-- you will not regret of your practice later. This is very important point. Why it is so is-- it is-- it may-- may be, even though I say so, you may think it may be difficult for you to accept it. But anyway, I have to explain it. If every day of your many days' practice is directly related to the somethingness or emptiness which exist forever, then everyday practice makes sense.
I'm not talking about something very unusual. I know some of our students [are] practicing very hard, sacrificing without doing something he should do [?]. He will stay here, you know, without helping his mother or his father because he think it is necessary for him to stay here and practice our way. So naturally his practice will be very sincere. But if his practice is based on the idea of accumulation of many [1 word] practice or accumulation of merit-- it doesn’t make sense.
And some of you may think “I want to practice, true practice. And I -- want to see some great teacher and practice with him,” but, you know, it is difficult for you to know who is a great teacher and who is not, unless you have eyes to see or eyes to tell who is great and who is not. Maybe you feel “I know if I see him-- I may know who is great and who is not,” [laughs] but I wonder.
Why do I wonder who is-- because of his eyes, his way of thinking. His eyes is not clear enough. His way of understanding is not clear. For him, you know, if someone looks-- looks like [laughs] a great teacher, you know, he is a great teacher. But if you have eyes to see, even-- even a common, you know, teacher who doesn’t know not much about Buddhism could be a great teacher. And actually there is that kind of really good teacher, but you cannot see them-- how good they are.
So as long as you have arrogancy, it is impossible to have good practice and it is impossible to have a kind of life you will not regret later about what you have-- what you have been doing.
Why do I give lecture every night like this is to help you to have, you know, good eyes and good understanding and good confidence in your eyes to say [see?] what is teacher, what is the-- what is Buddhism. If Buddhism is something, you know, written up, you know, in a book like this [probably holds up a book], Buddhism is already waiting for you.
But actually it is not so. The most important point is to have good confidence in your eyes-- dharma eyes. When you trust your eyes' understanding of Buddhism, then that, you know, that will eventually bring you good practice-- good confidence in you-- and you, more and more, your dharma eye will open. Dharma eyes is not something which someone will give you, you know. You should-- you yourself should open your dharma eyes, you know. Actually, I am talking about how to open your dharma eyes, and how you can practice your way in its true sense wherever you go. That is, you know, what I am trying to [do].
I a- -- I [am] always telling you that intellectual understanding doesn't take so much-- intellectual understanding of real and real [?] practice. The difference between them is very great, you know. Intellectual understanding cannot be actual, you know, enlightenment. But we can open, you know, our dharma eyes even though it is impossible to attain enlightenment by some other-- some other [1 word]-- you-- unless you yourself attain enlightenment, no one can, you know-- maybe [someone] can help you, but no one can give you real attainment.
So you yourself should attain enlightenment. But if you want to attain enlightenment, you will not have right practice, and you will not have right dharma eyes. That is why I am continuing this kind of lecture.
As it is-- as Bodhidharma said, I think I must explain some more about his question-- question and answer between Bodhidharma and the king. As I said, Bodhidharma-- the king asked him, “What is the first principle?” Bodhidharma said, “In the realm of clear”-- it doesn’t say dharma world, but-- ”In realm of clear dharma world, there is no sage or no common people.” That is Bodhidharma's answer. And the king asked him again, “Who is you in front of me?” And Bodhidharma said, “I don’t know.” And so-- but the king couldn’t understand what he meant by “no sage or no common people,” or “I don’t know who-- who I am.” He couldn't understand.
So Bodhidharma crossed the river-- Yangtze River, and went to northern country. And he stayed [at] Shaolin Mountain -- Suzan-- Shaolin Mountain in Suzan and practiced hard for nine years, facing to the wall [laughs]. That was the old story. The vast dharma world of no sage or no common people is the world of emptiness-- the world of first principle. That is first principle. That is answer, you know, no sage, and no mountain, and no river. Nothing exist. All those things exist, but nothing exist. It is the actual, you know, reality of the world or-- of dharma world.
It looks like the mountains and rivers and animals and human beings and everything-- it looks like so, but actually-- it looks like so, but nothing exist in its true sense because, as I explained intellectually, everything is changing.
Tentatively I exist here, but-- they say, everything is changing. Six million [laughs]-- six million-- more than six million Buddhist scripture says. So six million and it is-- nine million, or six million nine hundred and sixty-- oh-- ninety-six hundred thousand-- oh, I don’t know how to count [laughs]. I am already lost [laughs, laughter]. And nine hundred eighty thousand [laughs] in one day can change so many times, scripture says. So if we change so many times in just in one day, you know, we cannot exist in the same way. We haven't exist in the same way.
But anyway, it looks like I am here. But in its strict sense, it is changing rapidly like a electric-- electric light bulb, you know. In it, you know, electric current going back and forth like this. I don't know how many times, you know, it goes. It looks like one place, but it not so actually.
And same is true with us. So it looks like there is sage and there is common people, but in reality, nothing exist. But something is changing, we say, you know-- changing to, you know, [2-3 words]. Change-- Change exist, but nothing exist. If we can say is [1 word: “really”?] is not existent. That is what you said, you know.
[Bodhidharma said:] “It looks like I am here and you are there. You are king and I am a, you know, priest or monk or Zen master. But it is not actually so. You are very proud of your merit of building temples and, you know, observing various ceremonies and help be [?] instructed in zazen. It looks like so, but actually what-- what did you do? No sage, no [1-2 words], or no priest. That was what he said.
It is-- it is so, but that is not all. Even so, even if it so, as we discussed last night, even it is so, you know, if you-- if you not-- as long as you are here, if you do not get up for zazen, you don’t feel good, [1 word: “knowing”?] there is no practice, or no Tassajara, or no monk [?]. Whatever you it is nothing but [1-2 words]. Even though you understand in that way, actually what you feel is different. How we can change our feeling from this kind of confusion-- confused mind or suffering to joy of practice is the point.
So purpose of practice, actually, to change this kind of ignorance to the wisdom, or to-- to be enlightened of those ignorance is our purpose of practice. Unless you reach Bodhidharma already [2-3 words]. So he [2-3 words]. But if I say so, you know, it is-- I-- I help [?] you. Crazy [laughs] crazy monk. I cannot say so. I cannot open such a big mouth [?]. I can explain it, but I myself do not feel in that way.
But I am very much encouraged about this kind of understand- -- way of thinking and way of practice that is-- that is for us [?] and continuing this kind of practice. When you open this kind of dharma eyes, then wherever you go and you will see your teacher. You will have eyes to see your teacher. And even though you find a good teacher you will not, you know, stick to the teacher. You will not rely on your teacher completely. And you will continue your own practice by aid of the teacher. Then what you will find out through teacher-- there is some possibility for you to find good teacher.
If you think there must be some good teacher somewhere [laughs], that is-- the idea of-- already idea of existence which is not Buddhist way of thinking. No teacher-- no true teacher exist as long as your dharma eyes is, you know, stick to the idea of existence.
And there is two heresy to misunderstand it. One is idea of non-existence, and the other is idea of existence. If you say “I exist,” that is idea of existence. And if you say, “I don’t exist, actually, because things are changing,” that is also heresy. That is idea of non-existence. What is real understanding is the understanding which goes beyond existence and non-existence. That is real understanding.
So real understanding is, you know-- if you ask what is real understanding, I may say existence-- idea of existence. And sometime someone ask me again what is, you know, your-- what is Buddhist idea of life? And I say “non-existence.” [Laughs.] My emphasis is sometime existence and sometime non-existence. And there is no contradiction if you, you know, if you-- even if you intellectualize, if you understand what is reality.
Idea of existence and idea of non-existence. Joken and danken. [Next sentence essentially sung by Suzuki in Japanese.] Danjo no niken gyonen to shite shozu. That is, you know, a way of our life. Danjo. We don't stick to idea of existence or idea of non-existence. Our mind is very clear. No cloud. Cloud is-- idea of existence or non-existence is cloud. No cloud whatsoever. It is like a clear sky. That is Buddhist way of understanding. I already repeated this point over and over again-- idea of contradiction. The reality is always, you know, in contradiction.
Maybe it is better to talk-- to have question and answer so that you can fully participate in this kind of, you know, discussion. Hai.
Student A: You're left with -- whereas if you -- another -- in fact -- encouraging -- The practice is an inheritance. The difficult thing is what do you do with the form [?]. Or how do you the practice -- ?
SR: How you-- how-- yeah. Yes. How you use is you can-- how I try to encourage you is, you know, to encourage you to have confidence in your practice, you know. Every night you come zazen you repeat some words: Nanzo gikano gassho bozatsushite. Nakokono jinsho -- I am try, you know. “How can I give up my rakusu and [go] wandering about?” That is, you know, how I encourage you. It does not mean you should stay here, you know. But wherever you go, you must have full spirit in your practice, because if you cannot practice right now, here, there is no time for you to practice true way. If you think, “If I go somewhere else, then there will be some good teacher.” That is already, “I'm afraid. I'm afraid.” You are, you know-- your thinking-- way of thinking is idea-- involved in idea of existence, which is not-- which is one-sided view which is not true. Why good teacher is --
[Sentence not finished. Tape turned over.]
Student B: Will one's teacher appear when one is ready? Will this happen or must one seek a teacher?
SR: Look for teacher? Excuse me, I-- I am very--
Student B: When-- when the student is ready to be taught, will the teacher appear, or must the student go and seek a teacher?
Student B: When the student is ready--
Student B: -- the teacher is--
SR: I-- I-- I understand, you know. When, you know, you say “when student is ready.” When-- it means that when your practice is-- you are-- when you have-- when you are ready, you-- you can tell, you know, whether your teacher is, you know, right teacher or not because of your dharma eyes. If he, you know, is involved in one-sided view of existence or non-existence, he is not right teacher.
And another point is, you know, whether what he says and what he actually does, you know, to some extent, you know, it should be well-balanced. Not completely-- it is impossible to have complete balance, you know, as we are human being. But to some extent, you know, there must be some balance. That is another point.
It is, you know, from dharma eyes-- dharma eyes can tell whether his understanding is right or wrong, you know. And another point is whether his practice is really good or bad. You can't-- I'm sorry to criticize. You can see, you know, easily can see what he says and what he does. If you-- if you-- there must be some balance-- understandable balance.
So, you cannot tell by a book who you love [?], you know. You cannot tell by-- by his speech. Or you cannot tell just by his zazen practice. The point is whether his zazen practice is extended in his everyday life. That is very important. So you, you know, your dharma eyes, you know, like-- like-- like your eyes to see which way to go, you know, which teacher you should teach cheese-- choose.
And your practice, you know, understanding of practice is another, you know, something like your foot, you know. You should walk by your foot. So it is necessary to-- to have two points: this and this [presumably points to two things]. Actual, you know, some actual cut [?]: not just eyes or knowledge or intellectual understanding or philosophy. Even though he knows he has a big knowledge about Buddhism, he cannot be always good teacher for you. If you want to be the same kind of teacher, it is okay. But if you are-- if you want to practice our way as a part of your life, then, you know, you cannot follow that kind of teacher. Okay? Hai.
Student C: -- thinking mind and -- if you don't know what to do and you don't feel that the behavior -- let you know, is it because you don't really know -- or is the viewing [being?] not necessarily the same as the knowing?
SR: Mm-hmm. Being [and] knowing should be same, but [it is] difficult, you know, to be same. Knowing is something different than doing [laughs]. I am sorry. [Laughter.] Yeah. That is very-- very much so-- very much so, but even though many people-- many Buddhist teachers are like that, but there is no reason why you should follow their example [laughs]. You cannot criticize them, you know, as they are also-- they have karmic life too, you know, because it is difficult to be free from its own karmic life, you know. It is difficult. So we cannot criticize.
But you should know that it is his karmic life and that is his practice and that is his understanding. That is [what it means to have] dharma eyes, you know. If you have that-- that kind of eyes, you know, then your teacher, you know-- your teacher cannot be-- could be anyone. But you will-- the point is you will receive little encouragement [laughs] if his [1 word: “style”?] of practice is not so strong, you know, he will, you know, he will not help you so much. But he is good teacher, even though he has, you know, not much, you know, encouragement for you. But if you, you know, if your situation of practicing Zen is very, you know, immediate, difficult situation, then that difficulty will help your practice-- your-- that difficulty will encourage your practice.
Difficulty exist when, you know, when you want to do-- for an instance, Tozan was one of the maybe greatest scholars in Chinese Buddhist history. He-- he is-- his mother was-- his family-- his parents was very-- were very poor, and he was-- he had-- six [?] elder brothers. But he was not so good. So he-- his mother couldn't depend on him so much, so it was he who could help his mother. But Tozan-- for Tozan, Buddhism is everything, and who-- and he had great confidence in study of-- in practice of Buddha's way.
So eventually he became a great Zen master after all. And he became a master of Sozan. So hearing about this, his mother, you know, wanted to visit him, but he was-- she was so fevered and so old and so poor, and he-- she became a-- she became blind. She couldn't eat so much. Blind-- she became a blind beggar, but before-- she thought before she die, she must see her son who became a great Zen master already.
But Tozan-- his students said your mother came. But Tozan said she cannot enter. It's not-- You should stay-- She should stay out! [Laughs.] And, you know, you may think he is very vicious. But everyone thinks Tozan will be the most kind-- kind-hearted man for his mother. He wrote many letters to her about Buddhism and how to practice Buddhism and how to help her [1 word] by practice of Buddhism. He may did [?] every way-- every possible way to help his mother. There is no such Zen master to have-- so kind Zen master for mother.
But he didn't see [1 word] and at last his mother died outside-- outside the monastery. And so he told, you know, children to have funeral for her. And when he saw her, he found out little rice on her back, so he pulled out the rice and said, “This-- this rice is less [of an] orphan, you know, than my mother.”
So he took it for breakfast-- he said so-- [as] next morning's breakfast. He asked his student, you know, this is her last offering for us. Please accept it. What is big [?] is very simple. And way he helped her is very simple-- write, just write letter. But he couldn't help his blind mother even. But everyone acknowledged that he will be the most kind-- kindhearted Zen master we ever had in China or in Japan.
Student D: -- my theory that -- that relationship -- and the relationship -- they always have -- a part of the message. And it seems to me that whatever else she could do for them she already did.
SR: What-- what-- what in that story-- some of them are just story; some [laughs]-- some of them is real stories-- not stories [laughs]. And there is some meaning, you know, you know, each--
Student D: -- And it seems to me that--
SR: It is not truthful. Again, you know, that is your way of thinking. Youthful [truthful?] or thinking mind does not solve this kind of, you know, problem-- you know, problem in our heart. If your way-seeking mind-- if you are confidence in your teaching is very strong, that will happen, I [1-3 words].
But that doesn't, you know, happen to everyone [laughs]. It didn't happen to me-- only for, you know, one or two lay people. The mind will [1 word] our teaching. It shows us the depth of the teaching, that's all. He [Tozan?] cannot be your example, and there is no need for you to follow his example. I am not, you know, encouraging you to follow his example.
Student D: [2-4 words] why you [2-4 words] why do you [1-2 words]?
SR: You don't understand the depth of wisdom [?] and real practice of Zen, that's all. And you will say “Why? Why? Why?” [Laughs.] That makes-- doesn't make sense. And after you understand what is Buddhism, and after you practice very hard, you know, then that kind of thing could you understand, you know, after a long long practice or great great teacher. I cannot understand, actually.
Student E: Why do you call it [1 word]?
SR: Why do I-- ?
Student E: [Entire question unclear.] [Laughter.]
SR: [2 words.] That is your way. Most people are like that. So your practice, you know, easily like this. If it is necessary, if it-- if it is good I listen to you, and if it is something which I cannot understand, it is-- it is waste of time to listen to that kind of lecture. That kind of question is the most discouraging question for me, you know. Instead of being encouraged by Zen story, you, you know, you think it is not-- [you say] “I cannot understand.” Something you cannot understand is no good-- no use. That is [1 word: “pragmatist”?]. That is the most materialistic attitude toward the truth. Do you understand? [3-4 words.]
So your way-- even though your way of life looks like maybe [?] Buddhist life, but in its true sense, you have no backbone! How can you find yourself something which is different you don't take? You don't grow in that way. Your practice is not strong enough, and you do not have spine, you know. So wherever you go, even though you meet great teacher, it doesn't make sense to you. Great teacher has-- all the good-- great teacher has that kind of spine [?]. In one way, he is very gentle, but on the other hand he is very strict with [1 word]. And his backbone is always straight [laughs]. That is, you know, that is Buddhism. That is the difference between city [?] way and Zen way [laughs]. Don't you think so? Doesn't work. Only [1 word] way doesn't work. You will need, you know-- I don't say you will [laughs], but-- you will need some backbone.
Because Tozan had that kind of backbone, he could, you know, be a good example. He could support Zen Buddhism in China. We don't need such a great teacher-- so many. But one is enough. If he really, you know, if he was really kindhearted person, on the other-- on the other hand, which is-- which has been devoted himself completely to the Buddha [?].
What he is saying is “nothing whatsoever [2 words].” He completed the teaching of mujo seppo. Mujo seppo means [1-2 words: “welcome”?] teacher of mountain and river. It-- many good teachers discuss about it, and think about it, practice about it. That was not enough. But he completed that practice. When he has no, you know, tainted mind. When his mind become very clear, even free from-- even, you know, when his mind is like a mirror, without any doubt [?], then he can talk about-- he can listen to the-- [1-2 words] speech of mountain and river. We say, “Wherever you go if you see flower, that is the teaching.” If you go to the mountain, that is teaching. That is not mujo seppo-- teaching of mountain and river. Only when your mind become like a mirror, you know. Everything reflect on the mirror is teaching. As long as your mind is self-centered mind: “This is good. This is bad. Human beings should be like this or like that.” Then, you know, you cannot listen to the voice of nature.
It is possible, you know, to listen to the mountain or river. When your way of life is so selfish, so self-centered, so idle, that is big mistake for us. How long time it takes to accomplish-- to listen to the teaching of mountain and river? There were disciple of the Sixth Patriarch named-- excuse me-- his name [1 word] Echu-- Nanyo Echu. He started to talk about the teaching of mountain and river-- mujo seppo. And it took almost-- more than hundred years before he-- Tozan completed that study. Not many teachers can accomplish that kind of study.
But in America, how many people talking about teaching of nature? The meaning is completely different. But I am interested-- interested in what you say, you know, because it makes some sense. But if you think this is Buddhist way-- that leads to mistake [?]. If you think [thumps table with each of the next six words for emphasis] this is-- should be-- human way, then it means that all [thumps table for rest of sentence] the [2 words] way is human way. I cannot accept [?]. But how you feel is good [?]. And try to free from-- try to be free from our framework of society is-- makes sense. Maybe one step toward the real practice.
If you-- if all the students in Tassajara stick to this idea and having Tassajara, you know, [thumps table five times] we have Zen Center here. If you say so, I couldn't stay here. If you do not say so, I am trying to listen, to welcome teachers and mountains and rivers at Tassajara. I can accept it [2-3 words]. But if you say [thumps for each word] I am hearing every day, I am [1-2 words], and nature helps you, and we are helping you-- that is Buddhist way. If you say so, without [laughs] knowing what kind of effort you are making, I cannot accept it.
In human life we have enough difficulty. It is big mistake [to think?] if you can escape from our human difficulty unless we make big effort to establish real way-- real non-human-centric culture. That is our duty. If you are really involved in this kind of big duty, your mother will be actually, you know, happy to have that-- that kind of boy who is strong enough and good enough to support all the human being. And without this kind of confidence, you cannot understand what is Buddhism. If you understand something which is good only, avoiding which is not difficult-- which is difficult [corrects self], then , you know, you cannot enter from Tassajara gate, you know [laughs]-- you will be [1-2 words] the gate we have [laughs]. But you cannot enter, even though you think you are-- you are inside of the gate, but you are not. And so you are a little bit [laughs] angry [1 word] you.
But I am very happy to be angry with you [laughs]-- to be able to be angry with you, because I feel some support from you. So I can, you know, I am able to be angry with you. I think if I say this much, some of you will agree with me. And some of you will accept the real spirit of Buddhist. Do you understand how difficult thing it is to talk about-- even to talk about Buddhism?
I know several student who are, you know, practicing hard. So as long as we have some students, I am happy to stay here. Okay? [Laughs.] Still, you know, you don't have to explain what is Buddhist to your friend in this way. “Buddhism is, you know, some teaching.” Another example of Buddhist is to get [?] serious [?] guy out the monastery [laughs, laughter]. Maybe that is very bad example [laughs, laughter], but that kind of thing is possible to happen here [laughs]. Okay?
You have got much fever [?], you know. That much possibility in your practice. So you don't have to be always good or, you know, a good son. If you are really, you know, trying to be a good Buddhist, you don't have to be confined in the framework of usual society. You have big freedom [laughs]. Bigger is waiting for you. You will be-- you will have very good. Don't cry, you know, even though teacher didn't understand you. “It's okay, come here,” Buddha may say, you know. That is what-- I think you have big, you know, advantage in your practice because of this.
When I was, you know, young, my master was very strong person [laughs]. So wherever, you know-- as long as I am in [2 words] I could do anything I like, you know. I could say anything I want to say. Whatever they say, it was okay with me because strong master is there-- was there. And if I do something wrong, my master will scold me, but not my neighbors. If I am wrong-- ”Tell my master what I did,” I said. “My master will scold me if I am wrong. And tell my master exactly what I did.” You see? Exact-- exactly what I did. You don't have to protect him. If I am wrong, my master will scold me. I am quite sure about it.
So as long as I say something from bottom of my heart, it was authentic [?]. It was [2 words] because he is responsible for what I did-- what I do. And if I am wrong, I should say “excuse me,” you know. And I should say, “Excuse me” to-- to him-- to him. That's all.
So Zen master should be very strong in one hand [?]. Without this kind of spirit-- truthful spirit to the truth or strong confidence in our mind-- pure mind, we cannot practice [1 word: “here”?]. That is why you have big freedom, you know [laughs]. You should [1-2 words] to be a Zen monk. That is true. But we shouldn't mix up usual Zen [2-3 words] with true mark of master.
I wanted to have new [?] questions [4-6 words]. I continued thanks to ask good question [laughs]. I am very sorry [?]. But now is, you know, not much schedule [?] for us, so we give [get?] up.
Thank you very much.